


only for tonight

by sovietghoststories (lucid_lies)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Break Up, Bucky Barnes Feels, Dirty Talk, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Getting Back Together, Jealousy, Past Infidelity, Post-Break Up, Undercover
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 20:20:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17029347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucid_lies/pseuds/sovietghoststories
Summary: The reader leaves Bucky after finding evidence that he’s cheating on her, but cutting ties isn’t so easy.





	only for tonight

She came to him in a time of darkness, when he was little more than a feral dog biting at the bit. Skin too tight, barely holding back the fountain of rage bubbling beneath the surface, he wasn’t fit for company. Everyone in the Tower knew that and reacted accordingly. As old bones and an even older soul settled into a new frame, the rest of the team kept their distance, letting him stalk the shadows as he pleased.

All of them except for Steve knew that Bucky wasn’t looking to build connections. The echoes of his past still rang too loudly in his ears and the ghost of who he was still lurked in the depths of his eyes. When he looked at his hands all he saw was red, when he ate all he tasted was ash. He was doing little more than going through the motions, pretending he didn’t dream of the monster lying dormant inside.

It wasn’t until one ballsy recruit decided she wasn’t scared of the Big Bad Wolf in their ragtag group of misfits that everything changed. She made it a point to seek him out, sitting next to him during meals and engaging in idle chatter he barely responded to. She didn’t seem to mind, in fact, his lack of acknowledgement seemed to spur her on. She redoubled her efforts until he couldn’t turn around without her being there, eyes twinkling with mischief and mouth tugged up into a playful smile.   
  
She worked her way into his life and under his skin, shattering the careful balance he’d maintained throughout his time as an un-official official member of the Avengers. And Bucky’s not sure when it happened, but her presence went from annoying to frustrating to calming. He found himself wanting to smile back, and wasn’t that such a novel fucking concept for someone who’s more creature than man?

With every easy interaction they shared, in which she didn’t expect anything of him but never let that get in the way of having a conversation, Bucky found himself coming to enjoy those moments when he was the centre of her universe because she was slowly becoming his.

Now, after all this dancing around, when he finally thinks he - they - could be happy, he’s about to lose her and he’s got no one to blame except himself. Just his fucking luck.

* * *

 

**_THEN_ **

* * *

 

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they make a mistake and trust the wrong person. The sickening realization that follows leaves you feeling hollowed out and raw. You want to scream around the lump in your throat and pour all your rage out at the world. Regret settles deep into your bones and poisons your mind, all those what-ifs screaming at you from the shadows of moments past, suspicions sharpen into staggering clarity that leaves your heart breaking so thoroughly it’s difficult to breathe.   
  
This is Y/N’s moment.

It’s tearing her apart and she has no one to blame except herself.   
  
The team tried to warn her. Even sweet, loyal Steve took her aside and explained that as much as he loves his friend, as much as he wants him happy, Bucky wouldn’t be good for her. He’s too damaged and angry, his healing in its infancy. In the end, he’d only hurt her because he’s still learning how to live with the demons in his head.   
  
She isn’t blind, that ferocity and unfathomable capacity for brutality shows in the hard glint of his eyes, the violence of his mouth, the clench of his fist when someone surprises him. The warning signs are all there, and they all scream at her to stay away. Yet she ignores them, smiling at each one as they pass by. Her love for him runs deep and that, at the time, seemed more than enough.

Swallowing roughly, Y/N stuffs the scrap of black silk back into the messy gym bag. She’d been rounding up laundry, wanting to get some done before Bucky returned. Normally, he takes care of his own clothes but she wanted to do something nice for him, hoping that his eyes would soften and he’d shoot her a rare smile. She wishes she’d never entertained such a thought, stomach churning. She’d give anything to be able to rewind time, to stop herself from ever opening up that door because now she has to face the painful fact that what they had is shattering at her feet.  
  
There’s a voice in the back of her mind urging her to march into the debriefing and demand to know what the fuck Bucky thinks he’s playing at. It’s not a bad idea and if it was anyone else, she’d already be halfway down the hallway. But it’s not so simple, this isn’t some friend or fellow recruit, this is Bucky - her Bucky, and this isn’t something she ever prepared for.

She’s been betrayed before, left in the dust by people she’s loved deeply, trusted with her life. Expecting it from them is part and parcel of the job. But knowing it’s him this time, the one person she thought was completely incapable of doing such a thing, tears her world asunder. He’s supposed to be different.

She’s been such a fool, and she’s paying the price.   
  
All those sleepy touches and rare, midnight smiles, the way he says her name in the morning, sleep soft and tender, the way he groans her name when he comes like it’s a four-word declaration he can’t bring himself to say wormed their way under her skin and into her heart. Now she’s fucked, and he couldn’t care less.

If this is how things are going to be, if he’s going to stick his dick in other women and still come home to her like some fundamental part of their relationship hasn’t shattered then it’s time for her to walk away. She can’t live on table scrap affections, can’t live with a man who barely gives her a passing thought when she can’t stop thinking about him. She knows she deserves more than this, and it almost breaks her.

It’s clear he won’t find whatever he’s looking for with her, and he can’t give her what she wants most. He’s not tender enough for love, built for far ruder, rougher things and she is not hard enough to withstand the ice in his heart.

This is it, she promises herself, shoulders shaking with full-bodied sobs, These are the only tears I’m allowed.

By the time Bucky gets back from Fury’s office and sees several boxes waiting by the door, her eyes are dry.

He kicks at an appropriately labelled box with the tip of a boot. “What’s all your stuff doing by the door?” His frame fills the entryway, arms crossed tight over his chest. When Y/N doesn’t answer, the silence between them stretching uncomfortably long, Bucky raises a brow. “Doll?”

“I - -“

“Spit it out already.”

“I’m leaving, Bucky.”  
  
Shards of ice creep into the stormy depths of his eyes. The muscles in his jaw flex and a frown tugs at the corners of his mouth. “Come again?”

Cringing, Y/N takes half a step back before catching herself. She will not be cowed into submission. Bucky’s not in charge anymore, she can’t let him be. Too long, she’s done exactly what he’s told her to. She needs to get out now while she still can, while she still has the strength to walk away.

“I’m leaving,” she says with conviction, widening her stance and squaring her shoulders.   
  
“Like fuck you are.” Bucky bends down and picks up one of the smaller boxes, heading back towards the bedroom. “Come on and let’s get this stuff back where it belongs.”  

Staring at him in disbelief, mouth slack, Y/N finds her nerve just as he reaches the door. “No, I mean it, Bucky. I’m leaving, I’m done…”  
  
The heavy sound of the box smacking against the tiled floor doesn’t terrify her nearly as much as the sound of his thick-soled boots headed for her. He would never actually hurt her, if there is one thing she knows with absolute certainty, it is this but that doesn’t stop him from being intimidating. Black leather fills her field of view and calloused fingers hook under her chin, lifting her head and forcing her to meet his smouldering gaze.

“You’re done with what, Doll?” he hisses, refusing to give her an inch. “You’ve got an awful lot to say so let’s hear it.”  
  
He’s doing what he always does, time and time again. He likes to crowd close, bully her into giving up and going along with whatever he wants. She used to preen and revel in the control he exerted over her. It was so much easier when someone else took charge, she didn’t have to think or do, merely respond and feel. That ends now. It has to for the sake of her heart. She cannot crumble under the pressure, cannot become that girl everyone looks at in pity because she’s too afraid to leave someone who fucks around on her.   
  
“I’m done playing house with you, Bucky.” Swallowing, she resolutely meets him head-on, all the while shaking apart inside. “I can’t do it anymore.”

She sees the moment the Soldier creeps in, his body tenses and the grip on her chin grows exponentially tighter. There’s a feral look in his blazing eyes, mouth cut into a thin line. When he speaks, his voice is brittle, “That’s what this is?” He motions to the space between them. “Us playing house?”

Something in his expression cracks and her heart stops, hope foolishly sputtering back to life.

“Is it?” she asks.   
  
 _Just say it_ , she thinks,  _tell me you love me and I’ll stay, I swear I will._

The silence is deafening, each second that goes by a shard of glass that cuts deep into her core as she watches the play of emotions flit across Bucky’s handsome face. Releasing her chin, he takes a large step back. Hurt and despair flicker for the briefest of moments in his eyes and then disappears like a wisp of smoke.

His words match the cruelty of his smirk, “Are you hoping you’re more than a quick fuck, that I care about how you feel when you’re not wrapped around my cock? Cause I gotta say, I thought you were smarter than that. You’re nothing but a warm mouth to me.”

Her heart cracks down the middle, and her stomach churns violently. The poison spilling from his lips finds their mark like a well-aimed knife. She sees now that Bucky will always see her as the annoying recruit that muscled her way into his life. She has vastly misjudged the nature of their relationship, and the pain that follows is all on her. She was stupid to trust a wolf in human skin with her heart.   
  
“Goodbye, Bucky.” She chokes down the lump in her throat. “I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for. I’ll get my things sometime tomorrow.”  
  
She refuses to let the tears blurring her vision fall. This is the last time Bucky fucking Barnes makes her weak.


End file.
